By Aleksa Spasojevic
I sat in awe of the message in front of me, illuminating the wall behind my desk in unholy light. “Suspended from further work-related activities.” At first, I was shocked by the sudden change in employment status my life held. Next, I was apprehensive that this was merely a mistake from the Human Resources Department. I grabbed my phone and dialed the number with vindictive fervor, indignant by the way I was treated by the company I carried to prosperous heights! When the clerk picked up the phone, I began ranting about how unfair it was that I, a veteran of Georgina’s Automobile Company of 17 years, was given an email about the end of my career. I spat away all my built-up venom, and after cussing out his mother, I sat down at my desk, confident that I had gotten my point across. Then I heard the clerk state in a deadpan voice, almost as if my recent barrage of insults hadn’t hurt him the least bit, “Mr. Beaucannon, the email was not a mistake, our reception services no longer employ you and will forward your last paycheck in two weeks. I understand your concern with the sudden act, but we hope you understand since, in recent years, we have had some tough times and needed to let go of a few of our me-“. I hung up the phone, unwilling to listen to a second more of his drivel. I phoned my boss, hands shaking as tears began to roll down my face. As soon as the call was answered, I immediately cried out to Lewis, “Please, Lou... you can’t do this to me. I am 35 with no other job experience. Getting fired will kill me. Please reconsider-”
He cut me off. “And do what Felix? Let you run down our services again and again? You do realize that you are our worst and laziest reception worker! Whenever you cover your shift, customer complaints go through the roof and we receive multiple employee complaints that you, Felix, are harassing them! You cause most of the workplace drama, ruin the tranquility of this office, and have no skills to bring to the team whatsoever! You are a piece of human trash to think that for even a second you deserved this job! The only reason I put up with you was because Sue died, and even then I put up with too much! Go fuck yourself, Felix!”
Then he hung up.
I placed the phone on the receiver, stood up, and walked to my mini fridge. I grabbed myself a beer and sat on my couch. I took a sip, and then another, and another, and another. Six bottles in, I stood up, walked to my bathroom, and began running a hot bath. As I was walking back to the living room, I stubbed my pinky toe on the doorframe. The nail had fallen off, and blood squirted onto my cheek as I doubled over to cry. I sobbed on my floor until I felt the water from my tub overflow onto the tiles, waking me up from my pathetic state. The water was piping hot when I stopped the running tap, and in my drunken stupor, I forced my injured foot into the tub. That night, I rested with a few more beers as the boiling bath slowly painted itself red.
I woke up in the morning in my tub, which had drained by then, surrounded by emptied bottles of liquor and soda. I groggily clamber out of the tub and stumble into the living room and onto my couch, proceeding to wonder about what to do with my life. I am a widower with a good 14,000 dollars in savings, a run-down studio apartment, a toe that is still bleeding after a night of abuse, a Kia, and no skills to market. I wondered on the subject of suicide. It could end things and end my life on a dramatic note. But in the end, I decided against it. If I was to die, I would want to die in glory, like a Spartan! I sat up and scrolled through my phone and saw that some of my old friends were going to climb Mount Gora, a mountain known for its difficult landscape and challenging maneuvers. At first, I groaned and rolled my eyes before stumbling upon a footnote stating that the first group to make it to the top of the mountain would win 120,000 dollars each.
My mouth went agape, pupils dilated, tongue clicked, eyebrows scrunched, and fingers curled before immediately signing up for the contest. I contacted my buds Levi and Percy to see if they were interested in taking on this challenge with me, and to my delight, they were! I jumped from the couch before immediately rushing off to the bathroom. I was a grooming machine! I shaved my face, legs, forearms, unmentionables, nose, and ears. I took a long shower before coming out smelling like a fresh carnation. I cleaned my teeth and fixed my hair with gel before exiting the bathroom like a new man! I got dressed before going out to the nearest shop specializing in climbing gear and bought the cream of the crop with my savings. I was unstoppable! In the next couple of weeks, I continued to burn through my savings like never before, using only the bare minimum on the essentials to leave enough for hiking and mountain climbing lessons. Gas, water, and heat were all luxuries I didn’t have the time or currency to afford. I sold my furniture along with my old clothes to cover some bare expenses, and before you knew it, I was sleeping on the floor. However, I was not unhappy. Au contraire, I was ecstatic! I was going to be ready for this climb, and damn it, I was going to win!
Entry 1: On the day of the climb, I arrived at the mountain's base with the other climbers after checking in with a ranger tower. I looked up and saw the sheer size of the beast I was to tame. Scanning the peak revealed rugged cliffs, hard ridges, rude faces, and sheer cliffs mottled across the dark grey rock I shivered, but it was not a shiver of fear. Twas one of delight! The spiked peaks, the frosty snow, the mountain was truly the stuff of dreams! I zipped up my jacket, checked my rucksack, sharpened my pickaxe, chewed my jerky, and gathered my pals. Together, Levi, Percy, and I are going to make history!
Entry 4: 14 hours into the climb, we are exhausted. Luckily, we are ahead of the other teams and can afford to rest for an hour or two. After careful debilitation, I can make out the remainder of the journey to be about 3 hours of shimmying across cliffs and about an hour of walking up a snowy slope. It’s not too difficult of a challenge if you have the determination for it. On the topic of determination, I ought to have picked better partners. Around an hour ago, Levi tripped on something or other and has been limping ever since. Can’t he see that this is my moment? How dare he so deliberately sabotage my path to glory. He’s lucky that I’m tired as well, or he’d have to finish this climb in one sitting. Levi is lucky to follow a leader as merciful as me.
Entry 5: Damn, damn, damn, damn, DAMN! The closest team to mine is much closer than I imagined and will be upon us in minutes. Just thinking about their wretched smiles gloating at me in front of my mistake... I ball my fists so hard that my nails dug through my gloves. I wouldn’t be able to restart the climb immediately since Levi and Percy were both asleep. My mind ransacked itself for any idea of how to stay ahead, but none came. That was until I remembered how easily it was to trigger an avalanche on this mountain. Mount Gora has snow galore and surely the authorities wouldn’t think too much of a sudden fall of a sheet of snow, would they? It could be just a tragic accident. Yes... an accident...
Entry 6: I AM A GENIUS! It worked! At first I stabbed a few pins into the sheet and loosened up a tide before clapping a few times. The storm of snow came hurtling down at the other team, smothering them in the plush powder. I hiked over and made sure to pile more onto it to ensure the thickness so they wouldn’t escape. By my name and my honor, I will win this race and nothing can stop me... nothing... Entry 10: I CAN SEE THE TOP~!
In glee, I clambered my exhausted body to the top of the mountain, claiming the achievement for myself! I won! I had won at something! I had achieved something! I was... happy! If only my mother could see me now! I skipped with delight, jumped with joy, and rolled with virile energy! Levi and Percy were of course happy to be the winners of this little parade, and they should be! Fantastic partners, both of them! I danced in on the peak, stomping on the rock and sliding on hardened snow while yelling for Percy and Levi to stop poking at the snow around the peak and hurry to join me. Suddenly, the snow under my feet crumbled to powder as I fell. I had wandered in my haze upon a snow sheet and had mistaken it for a solid platform.
I fell.
As the wind blasted past my hair, I desperately tried to grab onto something to stop me from smashing into the mountain’s rock face, but to no avail. I fell hard and harder before blasting through the clouds with the condensation moisture staining my jacket. My bag flew off of my back and went somewhere east as my tool still stayed strapped to my belt. I couldn’t accept this. I was a champion, a legend of time! I was not going to die from falling off a mountain! And I didn’t.
Not many can say that they’ve survived falling off a mountain. I, the champion of Mount Gora, have done so! One trip of delight, one fall of grace, and the embrace of the cold snow as I smashed into the ground. At first, I laughed in ecstasy, crying out to my partners Levi and Percy that I was all alright. However, for whatever reason, my throat was sore. Surely it wouldn’t fail the champion of Gora? I tried to ascertain my condition and tasted a very heavy taste of metal in my mouth and throat, choking my windpipe. I realized it must’ve been my likely chipped metal tooth mixing with my spit. Nothing more. I tried to open my eyes, but they stayed shut. I am Felix Beaucannon, the champion of Mount Gora, and I needed to see my accomplishment, damnit! I forced my left eye open only to gingerly readjust the eyelids so as to keep the snow out. My right eye was seemingly nailed shut, for it refused to open for whatever reason. I giggled, thinking about the wind that ran through my hair when I fell. I felt like I was flying for a good bit there! I looked over my body and saw the jigsaw likeness of my torso. I chuckled to myself at how I looked a little like the puzzle pieces a child might play with at the doctor’s office. I looked over the snow around me for my pickaxe, hoping it wasn’t lost, only to find it lodged in what appeared to be my abdomen, protruding out of what once used to be my belly button. I laughed at the coincidence and reassured myself I would still have a trophy of this excursion to show my grandkids. I looked up and saw how my fall had left an imprint in the clouds high up and had a good laugh at the comedic premise of it. I tried to move my legs and get up, but they were too busy shivering. It was too difficult to bend my right back into shape, and I resorted to resting a bit before trying again. I looked at my arms and saw that they kind of looked like tentacles in how they were bent.
I laughed once more.
As I joked and jived about the peculiar feeling I had all over, I felt something staining the snow beneath my head, making me feel a little woozy. I couldn’t turn my head since I was too busy admiring the clouds above and settled that it was my thermos leaking hot chocolate behind my head. No other explanation. The feeling tickled my scalp, and I laughed once more.
Ranger Simmons Report on Missing Climber Felix Beaucannon:
To understand how I found Mr.Beaucannon’s body, one has to know how Mount Gora is fashioned in terms of security. This tiny “mountain” that barely breaches the clouds is watched by eight watchtowers surrounding the peak at generally even angles. It's kind of like a star but with more points. My station was due southeast and was near a cliff face that stretched into the sky. That was where I saw the climber fall. I remember I was leaning on the railing of my tower, sipping coffee from my thermos, when I saw a blur fly straight from the clouds into the snow. I jolted from my trance and rushed inside to get my binoculars. My suspicions were confirmed: it was a person. I grabbed my gear and radioed to tower 2 in the distance about the situation before heading out. I hiked through the snow for an hour or so before arriving at where I thought the climber should have fallen. I searched around the area for an hour or so before I saw something in the distance. A streak of red. I paused before rushing to the scene. A massive frozen puddle of blood and cloth revealed itself to me among the sea of white. However, there was nobody else at the scene. I felt confused, amused, then frightened. Where was the body? As I stood motionless over the frozen carnage, I heard a groan from my east. A mosaic of a man stumbled out from behind a snow mound. It was… disgusting. In regular circumstances, I would refuse to describe him for fear of inducing nightmares, but the courts say I must. His body contorted in odd ways, with ribs poking out from his chest, bone marrow freezer-burned in the wind. Out from his abdomen was what I can only assume to be his climbing pickaxe. His limbs were twisted in odd, unrecognizable ways, with limbs yanked to their limits and fingers longer than normal. I don’t even know how the man walked. I refuse to describe his face, for it does not affect the investigation of his death.