By Guoshwan
In times long forgotten (because people were too lazy to write down their history), there was a knight. He simply called himself, “The Knight”. When others ask the reason behind this peculiar behavior, “I am above names” would always be the answer. In truth, he couldn’t think of a name and just decided to call himself, “The Knight”.
One day, terrible news swept through the village. The princess was captured by a dragon, and in desperation the king declared that whoever could save her could marry her. The Knight immediately saw an opportunity. “I shall journey forth,” he declared, “slay the beast, and make the princess my bride.”
So off he went, without supplies, a horse, or even any food. He went clad in heavy iron and burdened by a heavy sword. He didn’t even ask where the princess was taken to. He took off straight into a forest.
After about five minutes of walking, he cried, “Oh, woe is me! My knees are tired, my arms filled with lead, and my body full of pain. This five-day journey is too painful for words. I shall head back!”
So back he went, but he found himself lost in this forest, and couldn’t find a way out. He walked around in circles, declaring, “My job is not finished! I shall return home!”
He continued to walk for five minutes, then collapsed. “My ten days of nonstop work,” he muttered, “would bring ruin upon my frail body! No, I shall lay here and rest.”
He immediately lied down and begun to snore loudly. That was when two tiny midgets, tall as a human hand, approached him. They dared not go near him while he’s awake, but if he’s asleep, perhaps they could steal some food.
They searched him quietly, but found that the effort is fruitless. “What kind of idiot is he?” one muttered. His name was Tim. “Going this deep into the forest without any provisions? Am I right, brother?”
“Poor fellow,” said the other, called Tom. Their parents must’ve been really creative. “He must have used them all up!” Tom continued. “Perhaps he was lost in a brave quest, and it would be best to wake him up and motivate him.”
“What for?” snorted Tim. “No use in that. He wouldn’t help us, just like how that farmer man wouldn’t help us.”
“That was because you stole his cow.” replied Tom.
“Ridiculous! No, you stole the cow!”
“What are you talking about?!”
“It was you!”
“No, you!”
“You!”
Their fierce chatter suddenly awoke The Knight. He sat up and saw the two midgets.
“Oh, hello, my young fellows. What brings you into these lands?” The Knight said jovially.
The two suddenly hugged each other and chattered their teeth, as though the end of the world was about to come.
“Oh, don’t be so nervous! You think that I’ll eat you?”
The little ones only continued to shiver.
“Tell you what. If you could tell me where the dragon took the princess to, I’ll give you my helmet. It’s really hot…”
Tom pointed to his right. “It’s just past these woods, sir. But… are you sure you want to fight the dragon?”
He nodded in a boyish way. “Isn’t that the job of all knights?” He took off his helmet. Here you go, lads. A little token of my thanks.”
And so, The Knight left the two midgets. He didn’t think about how two midgets were supposed to carry a giant hunk of metal. He did it anyway, because he was so kind.
He continued in the vague direction Tom gave, then, out of pure luck, he found it! The entrance to the castle itself. In front of the gates were a squadron of knights, fighting a large crimson dragon. It breathed fire and roasted half of the squadron to ash.
“Hey! Hey! Let me join!” The Knight looked incredibly happy.
The dragon gobbled up the last of the squadron when he noticed The Knight, rushing in while waving his arms and screaming wildly. The dragon took a deep breath, building up its city-wiping fire-breath. Yet, despite the obvious signs of a dragon building up its city-wiping fire-breath, The Knight ran in without the slightest sense of danger. The dragon was so surprised, so dumbfounded, that the Knight managed to dash over and stick his blade in the dragon’s throat, killing it with one blow.
The dragon screaming angrily, probably dropping F-bombs in Draconian, then died.
The Knight sheathed its sword. “May all dragons remember the day in which The Knight slayed one of their brethren. My name shall resonate fear throughout their ranks!” he declared.
(The dragon is a critically endangered species)
Then, he rushed into the abandoned castle and found the princess with a little of searching. She was stuck, as always, in the tallest tower. Even people like him knew that.
When he entered the room, her face brightened up, then fell. It is now that I must describe what The Knight looked like: his hair needed washing, his face was dirty, his lips were puffy, and he had a triple chin. There aren’t any less handsome knights.
“Come with me, princess, and tomorrow we shall announce our marriage, as your father promised you as my bride.” he said. And, truthfully, there are few things worse than waiting for your savior, only for it to be an ugly, creepy man who said he would marry you tomorrow.
She recoiled a little, then sighed. After all, she couldn’t deny that The Knight did indeed save her. She followed behind him reluctantly. Soon, they were back at the forest.
“Do you, by any chance, know the way home?” asked The Knight. The princess looked at him weirdly. “If you don’t know, how did you come here?” she asked, incredulous.
“Oh, I guessed. I couldn’t always rely on guessing, though, can I?” he said, winking. Apparently, he thought this was a witty line.
Once again, the princess sighed. Then, she said, “I know the way. Follow me.”
After a few twists and turns, they managed to reach the edge of the king’s town. As the whole trip was conducted in silence, The Knight asked, “what’s your name?”
The princess suddenly looked as though she was choking. “You don’t even know my name?”
“Nope!” he said confidently. “But a damsel in distress must be rescued. I couldn’t lose the opportunity!” He gave her a creepy grin that made her skin crawl. She thought to herself, what kind of idiot did my father marry me to?
They soon came into the king’s palace. The moment they knocked, they saw the king, distressed. He immediately, however, jumped to the sky like a kangaroo. “My dear Ellen! I am so glad to see you!” he hugged her warmly. However, she didn’t return it.
“Father,” she said when they finally broke apart, “who did you marry me to?”
It was then that the king saw The Knight and took note of his appearance. A bead of sweat went down from his head. He immediately regretted his hasty deal.
“Er… well… Ellen, is this the person who saved you?” he asked nervously.
Ellen glared at him. The Knight nodded, oblivious to the drama in front of him.
“Very well…,” said the king. “You… er… shall be married tomorrow.”
The princess said in her frostiest tone, “Perhaps we shall discuss this privately. You may leave…” she hesitated, looking at The Knight.
“The Knight.” The Knight said happily. “That’s my name.” He bowed down low.
The princess barely contained an eyeroll. She and her father went to a nearby room.
Once out of earshot, the princess stomped the ground fiercely. “What have you done, father? You know I already have a relationship with another man. You are not marrying me to that stupid, hideous troll.”
The king shook his head. “My dear…”
“I know what this is about!” The normally calm princess jabbed her finger at her father’s chest. “You want me to marry someone of “noble” blood, don’t you! You don’t want me to be with, in your words, “dirt”! Well, I’ll tell you this. I love him, he loves me, and nothing you do would change that!”
The king’s expression was a stony mask. Finally, he said: “Go to your room, Ellen. I’ll decide from here.”
The princess left, shooting one last insolent look at her father. The old king sat down, forlorn, thinking about his dilemma.
A robed man suddenly stepped out from the shadows. He was old, dressed in black. His eyes were a startling purple. He grinned, showing all of his gold teeth. He really didn’t have to do that. It was gross. “I heard it all, your majesty, invisible. Would you like to hear my counsel?”
“Very well,” said the king.
“The Knight may be weak and lazy, milord, but he is still a member of your ranks. If you were to relent to the princess’ complaints, the kingdom would see you as untrustworthy. You would build yourself a bad reputation.”
The king nodded. “You are correct. Thank you. You may leave now.”
“My pleasure.” With a puff of smoke, a lot of smoke, the sorcerer disappeared.
The king groaned. “I know you’re hiding in that shadow, okay? You don’t have to make yourself exit dramatically every time. You’re just wasting smoke bombs.”
No response.
The king sighed. “I’m surrounded by idiots,” he muttered, and walked away.
…
After five minutes, the king finally stepped out. “Alright, Knight,” he said, but found nobody there. He looked down and saw the Knight lying on the grass, sleeping to his heart’s content.
The king shook him awake. “Get up now. You shall find enough rest later.”
The Knight blinked, yawned, and sat up. “Five hours of waiting, my lord. One is hard-pressed to be awake.”
The king forced a smile. It was difficult, but he did it. Then he cleared his throat. “You and the princess shall be married tomorrow. Nothing changes that.”
The Knight smiled genially. “Splendid!”
…
The Knight was given a stay in the palace, so that he could rest. All he did, though, was lie on his private bed and sleep. A good day’s work, he thought to himself. I now have a lovely bride in my arms.
Luckily, he was so excited that he barely caught any sleep. I say luckily, because while he was tossing and turning, he just so happened to see the princess out in the fields, away from the castle. She was hooded and dressed in black, but The Knight would recognize her anywhere. She was his fiancé.
So The Knight got up and put on his – actually, by pure stroke of genius, he realized the armor would only slow him down. So instead he dashed down the castle with nothing but his pajamas, and ran for the princess. He should’ve been caught by any half-competent night guard in the castle (same for the princess), but I need to keep the plot moving, so just assume he slipped by through luck or plot armor or… something.
Regardless, The Knight made it out of the castle and ran towards the cloaked figure. He caught up to her. “Princess,” said The Knight.
She turned around in fright. “How did you–”
“Princess, what troubles your mind so, that makes you leave so hastily?”
The princess stared at him, stared at her own shoes, drew in her cloak, and said, “Knight, I really appreciate you saving me. However, I don’t want to be married to you. I’m in love with someone else already. My father, however, is insistent on my marriage. So, I’m running away.”
She thought The Knight would strike her, yell at her, or perhaps leave in a fury to tell her father. Instead, though, he nodded. Dumb as he may be, the chivalrous code of a knight he could not forget. A maiden should not be forced upon a marriage she does not agree. “What do I need to do?” he asked, straightening his posture and looking serious.
The princess widened her eyes in disbelief. “Right. Uh, take me to the dragon’s lair,” said the princess, enormously relieved. “That would be all. Oh, one more thing. I really should thank you.”
She handed him a leaf, made of pure gold. “It was a childhood present, and it gave me good luck,” she said. “I want you to have it.”
“I’m deeply honored, milady,” he said, bending down on one knee while accepting the gift. He put the golden leaf onto his heart. “Such a token I could never forget.” She smiled.
They continued on, silent, walking for far greater than five minutes. However, The Knight did not complain. Finally, they saw the castle. They began to walk towards it, crossing a great big field while doing so.
“There!”
It didn’t occur to either of them that, on this huge plain, they were incredibly conspicuous. Five men on horseback, all knights, rushed over. They quickly surround the princess and The Knight.
The other knights dismounted and drew their weapons. “Come with us, princess,” said one of them. “You’re being taken back to the palace.”
The princess looked around wildly. “What is this?”
“The king’s orders, milady,” said another. “We’re going to take you back. He also asked us to spread this message.”
A third knight came over. “He wanted us to say to you, ‘It pains me to do this, but do it I must. You will marry The Knight tomorrow. If I see one more escape attempt, I’ll take you to the dungeon, and you would never leave there until you apologize for your wrongdoings.’
“So, we’ll be taking you back, princess.” finished the third knight.
“No.”
All six of them turned to look. The Knight had drawn his sword, his face set. “Such an act is against our chivalrous code. We allow a maiden to marry who she wishes. To force unwanted marriage is the denial of free will.” He recited this perfectly, word for word, from their code. “The princess leaves.”
For a second, nobody moved. Then the first knight laughed. “The thing is, Knight, codes are nothing but wishy-washy nonsense. The king wants something done, we do it. That’s the code, sonny boy.”
“No!” said The Knight. “I shall protect honor with my life. Leave now, princess! I’ll hold them off!” he raised his sword.
“No, don’t–” begun the princess, but The Knight pushed her away. “Go!” With a fleeting look, the princess left.
The first knight laughed, again. “What is this? Fighting us one to five? Dismount!” He and the other three knights dismounted, grinning, blades ready.
The Knight turned to face his opponents. He swung at the first knight, but the steel was blocked. The second knight hit him on the head with the butt of his sword. The Knight kneeled. The third, fourth, and fifth knight began to kick him.
“Stop-” They didn’t stop. The golden leaf fell out of his pocket. The Knight didn’t even notice. He just put his naked arms around his body, as the metal boots keep kicking him. Over. And over. And over…
After a while, the one of those knights said, “Enough. Get to the princess.” They mounted their horses and continued the chase.
The Knight was aching in pain all over. It was actual pain this time, real, terrible pain. He never felt something like it in his life. He just cowered there, shaking. Why, oh why, was chivalry so hard and painful? What is this pain for? What? He curled up into a ball, and began to cry.
Tap, tap.
The Knight stopped crying. In front of him was… his helmet?
A tap tap rang through the helmet again. “Sir?”
The Knight couldn’t say anything. His lips hurt too much.
Tim and Tom emerged from the visor of the helmet. “Never thought we’d see you here, sir,” said Tim.
“It’s a stroke of luck,” said Tom. “Like magic.”
Like magic?
“Like a Deus Ex Machina,” added Tim.
The Knight wanted to laugh.
“Anyway, sir, you shouldn’t give up so easily,” encouraged Tom. “Here, now, here’s your helmet. And we also picked something up from the ground.”
The brothers pushed something out of the visor. Something small and golden. “We found it in the ground.” A small, gold, shimmering leaf.
The Knight stared at it with bloodshot eyes. The glimmering moonlight from its surface. The little delicacy in its craftsmanship. It was a childhood present, and it gave me good luck.
That’s right, thought The Knight. I’m a knight. He clenched the golden leaf. “Thank you,” he whispered. Trembling fingers put the leaf in his breast pocket. I’m a knight. He lifted the helmet, and slowly put it on his head. “I’m a knight,” he whispered. Then he stood up on shaking, aching feet. “I’m a knight!” He roared. “I’M A KNIGHT!”
Just like that, The Power of Love and Friendship rushed back into his veins. Strength returned. He leapt, then landed perfectly on a white horse that appeared from thin air. The horse, though understanding the situation, went to full gallop. “Go get them!” yelled the two midgets.
Soon enough, The Knight reached those other five “knights”. From the looks of it, they apprehended the princess and was taking her back. They suddenly stopped, though, and stared at the ridiculous sight in front of them: The Knight, covered with bruises and cuts, yelling and waving a sword on a large white horse. Before they could react, he was upon them.
The horse immediately kicked the first knight unconscious. The Knight slipped off and the horse continued its gallop. The second knight was unfortunate enough to be in the way. With a large clang! as hooves hit steel, the second knight went flying.
The Knight then spun to the rest. He disarmed the third knight ad hit him with the butt of his sword, knocking him down. He then knocked out the sword of the fourth and swung the flat end of his sword at him, resulting in a nasty knockout blow. When he turned, though, the fifth knight stuck his sword deep into The Knight’s chest.
Once again, pain flared across him. This time, though, he gritted his teeth and endured it. He twisted his waist, and the sword was wrested out of the fifth knight’s grasp. Then, he elbowed the fifth knight in the face, beating him down. Finally, all five knights were unconscious.
The Knight stumbled, fell on his knees, began to crawl… and then collapsed. The wound was too much. His fingers combed through the grass. He would like to see it, one last time, before he…
“Knight.”
He looked up. Suddenly, he saw the princess kneeling down beside him, with a mix of shock, worry, and awe on her face. She handed him what he was looking for: her gift, the golden leaf.
The Knight smiled. “I always obey the c-c-code, milady,” he rasped. She laughed, then cried. Tears fell from her face.
The Knight then fell unconscious.
The next few days passed like a blur. The Knight made it out alive. After all, he’s too tough and stupid to die. Soon enough, he was able to walk around and fight again.
He soon met the princess’ true love. He was this handsome Disney rogue fellow that princesses always seemed to swoon over. He couldn’t thank The Knight enough. “You truly are a chivalrous gentleman”, he said. “Thank you for protecting her.” That made The Knight smile warmly. The true love then married the princess later. The king never found them.
There is one last detail before this story ends. On the door of The Knight’s quaint little house, he hung a small, golden leaf.