By Jenny Lin
A letter to the Soundwave Compliance Unit:
Greetings to the lady/gentleman who receives this letter. I wish to discuss the case of my grandfather Johnnie Zimmerman’s arrest on December 8, 2035. I am aware of the newest regulations regarding sound and audio works that condemned recordings possessing follower-attracting properties under Schedule I controlled substances. It is true that illegal copies of Elvis and Michael Jackson were found in my grandfather’s residence, but I can assure you he had never created nor distributed unauthorized soundtracks to anyone other than himself. What the old man needed was a proper therapy session at the music rehab, not 25 years in prison without parole.
You see, my grandfather was a retired marine officer—a soldier who once fought for the sake of our country. He was a victim of music long before the government decided to eliminate this type of drug for good. Taking a Schedule I controlled substances (other items currently placed within this category include heroin, LSD, and select Oasis tracks and all music published by Michael Jackson) took a toll on him, and it is very difficult for men and women of his age to force themselves back into a life of sobriety after hearing the sinful seductions of these wicked devils.
The Morrisons’ accusations of Johnnie Zimmerman are entirely false if not intentionally schemed, for my grandfather had never attempted once to demonstrate unauthorized music to my sister and me. The mechanic resembling a speaker found in his bedroom is not a speaker either. In fact, it was simply a failed audio detector that creates loops of chaotic pitches still perfectly within the range of Class-A Sonic Offense, not the prelude to ‘Hey Jude’.
The unauthorized soundtracks were confiscated, and the machine was scrapped on February 10. I merely ask for the court to reconsider Johnnie Zimmerman’s punishment. Please understand the difficulty a man like him was going through. The prison wouldn’t help him, but the rehab will teach him a lesson. Run all the tests in your laboratories on him, and you will see he was never inflicted by any individuals behind the audio from the beginning.
Sincerely,
Jane Harlan
A letter to Jane Harlan:
Greetings, Ms. Harlan. I am terribly sorry such a scandal has happened to your family. As much as I, a lifelong citizen of this land, had benefited from Mr. Zimmerman’s service, I must emphasize to you as the Director of Psychoacoustic Ethics at the University of Erehwon, a senior advisor to the Soundwave Compliance Unit (SCU), author of the 2025 best-selling biography Drumming for the Beat-Alls and a recipient of the National Medal for Moral Acoustics, that the laws we proposed toward soundwave and acoustic regulations are strictly based upon an incredible amount of data compiled by my team at the University of Erehwon.
For decades, we have worked restlessly to present the world with evidence that human brains are vulnerable to certain modified octaves and frequencies. I suppose you are aware of the infamous Beat-All Moral Corruption Scandal. The three cultists, who were among the master puppeteers of this century, manipulating the strings of sound and thus controlling the minds of our citizens. There are genuine concerns among peers that people like you—younger people—are starting to forget that the era dominated by music also came along with the deepest sort of moral disintegration.
A man of Paulie McCarthy’s social height may publicly scorn people for any of his dislikes, and for whenever he’s in his highest of temperaments. Did the public know he was speaking wrongly against our brothers and sisters? Well, they most certainly did. But the scheme of the socialites’ tricks lies not in their actions, it had been previously sewn into the roots of their creations—their so-called arts and ventures. What they had created is a siren that lures and devours the rational minds of the defenseless mass—precisely like what your grandfather is experiencing right now (And now, for our newest research, for we are on the brink of solving the enigma of this century, concerning whether the impact of music addiction transcend to the next generation. Behold!).
I’m certain it is known to the majority that I was, once upon a time, part of a band. A quite famous band, the most notoriously worshipped of them all, in fact. I repent till this day that I had once been a Beat-All myself, the fourth member who withdrew after seeing the wrongness of this world. And yet, here I am today, the chief director of Psychoacoustic Ethics, believing that an addiction to music can always be reversed. From the moment Paulie McCarthy banished me from their ill-intentioned cult, I realized they were ready to pour their corruption to a bigger audience, and apparently, my drums weren’t ‘good enough’ to spread their hypnosis to the innocent. They cut me off like a bad tumor, and since then I devoted my life to psychoacoustic studies with the hope to prevent such evil from spilling into this world, knowing that there are millions of lives out there, still waiting for the path to redemption.
What your grandfather did might seem like a harmless act, but you must never underestimate how fast one can be contaminated by music. Consider yourself lucky that your neighbors reported the strange soundtracks to the authority before further harms were done, and you all start dancing to the rhythm. I imagine the police would require you and your family to undergo a thorough music addiction examination one of these days.
Under normal conditions, I’m afraid there’s not much I can do to assist your grandfather’s situation. Though I did see in the records from the station another day that Johnnie Zimmerman had kept an authorized copy of my new album, Don’t Care from Being Banished from the Band. If your grandfather fancies my authorized soundtracks, then fear not, for there’s still hope. Luckily for him, I happened to meet an officer who knows the judge on a more intimate level. So I suggest you check your emails every so often these days and stay away from illegal tracks in the future.
Lastly, I advise you as a musician shameful of his past, the key component to reach the path of acoustic art is to ensure it is completely, and irrefutably, ‘unattractable’ to anyone. Frankly speaking, the sole purpose of music’s existence is to be the ugly twin that reminds us of the beauty of silence.
The treatments will restore Mr. Zimmerman to blessed silence. I look forward to his recovery under my newest restoration therapy.
Sincerely,
Dr. Richard Starkey Reagan